sick

we are sick, sick, sick here thus the dearth of posts.

we did have a great thanksgiving though, hope you did too!

words that I sort of know the meaning of but not well enough to use in a sentence

apostate
apotheosis
factotum (good book though, love the Buk)
praxis

word that I do know the meaning of but would feel pretentious using
amanuensis

words that I love that also start with the letter "l"
lethargy
logorithim
libretto
lothario
and of course.......list.

this would be even funnier if it was someone else

We're riding home from the bus stop and Amelia asks "Mom, what's sex?"
sigh, why is it always in the car?
"Well, it's how you make babies." I hear some whispering and i told you's and Amelia says "Des says that it's naked people rolling around hugging and kissing."
double sigh
"Well, that's part of it sometimes."
"Is that real?" Des asks, "Because we want to know the right answer. All the little kids want to know the right answer, Mom."
"do you have to do sex to make babies?" "yes"
Amelia then deduces that her cousin and his girlfriend who are expecting a baby "do sex"
"Why do you have to have your clothes off?"
"Well, sometimes it's more comfortable that way."
"You did it four times. I mean three because we're twins."
'Well, you don't have a baby every time you have sex."
"Oh we know that. so how many times did you do it?" Amelia hazards a guess "5, 6 times?"
Then Des asks "when you were making Finn, where was Cady? I mean, she wasn't just standing there right.'
I say "we found a private place and had some time to ourselves. Sex is a private thing and so mommy and daddy do that privately in privacy."
Amelia says "I bet we were all fast asleep."
I tell them that these are personal questions but I'm answering them so that they have the right information but they can't ask other people. I said that even adults don't discuss this with each other, it's that private.
Des asks "Do all animals do sex?"
"Yes."
"How do reindeer do it?"
I say "Honestly, Des, I have never seen that."
He says "Well they have those pointy things on their heads. Don't they hurt each other?"
"I really don't know."
Then he says "I heard people roll around all over the place." He looks at me and says "I know you didn't do that, mom."
It was the most exhausting conversation I've had with them in a while.

don't laugh

I was on the phone with someone and had to give them a phone number. They said "can you text it to me?"
I said "well, I'm on my house phone." which was true.
but also,
I don't know how

a quick note on sentences

The other day Des had a sentence in school for running in the halls-he had to do the Wedding March(walk very slowly) and wear a sign that said "Don't run in the halls". At first the sign bothered me because it seemed like a shaming sort of punishment but then the kids explained that it's to help them remember not to run. There are also little signs that say "I have a cleaning job today" because forgetting to do your cleaning job is quite common. As is just flat out not doing it.

The sentences generally fit the infraction. The kids say littering, running, rowdy or dangerous activity, not doing cleaning jobs and being noisy in the quiet area are the most common charges. The sentences are usually a cleaning job or an extra cleaning job for littering and being restricted from certain areas or restricted to certain areas for noisy or rowdy behavior. Not putting toys or art supplies away usually results in being decertified for those items. Most of the stuff is pretty basic: if you make a mess, clean it up. Don't want to clean it up? Then you don't get to use that stuff anymore.

Repeat offenders will have longer sentences and then eventually suspension. People have been suspended for not doing cleaning jobs. Mostly suspension/expulsion is for more serious, I would say, anti social infractions-fighting, bullying, stealing stuff like that. JC recommends suspension but school meeting has to vote on it. And if it is an indefinite suspension they have to vote to let you back in too. It's pretty intense. That doesn't happen very often though.

I love smart people.

I really do. Not everybody does, you know, but I do. I used to feel threatened by smart people, truly smart people, because I would always compare myself to them and get very edgy if I thought I was coming up short. A lot of that is because I did so well in school that I let my whole identity get wrapped up in being smart. It was the only thing I was good at. And if I did poorly on a test or got a bad grade on a paper I took that as a judgment on me as a human being. It never occurred to me that I could improve. I had a very rigid- you either get it or you don't method of learning and if I didn't get something the first time I assumed it was because I was stupid. Pretty twisted. Towards the end of high school, when I was really bottoming out, teachers just kept saying to me over and over again "but you're so smart, why aren't you ________(doing your work, studying, working up to your potential bla bla bla)." Sometimes smart just isn't enough. It helps but it doesn't always overcome a dysfunctional family or lack of direction or a bunch of other stuff that can hold people back. and it isn't even respected by your peers in many academic settings. so I've had a love/hate relationship with smarties for a while.

But now I love smart people and I feel like I'm coming across more of them than ever before. I feel challenged and intrigued and I have even come across some ideas that are so hard for me to understand that I actually feel my brain stretching around them, trying to comprehend. It's great to be a grown up and feel comfortable with who you are and your own talents and abilities so that you can also enjoy what other people have to offer. Huzzah!

More about Lying

"morality and ethical values are not mere decorative frills of personal opinion, not subjective superstructure, but intrinsic laws of the cosmos built into the heart of reality" Bhikkiu Bodhi

I take the sentiments of the above to heart when I talk to my kids about ethics. I understand the arguments of moral relativism but they seem instinctively wrong to me. From a practical standpoint a society built upon the idea of moral relativism is going to get into trouble. I think that there are some parents out there that consciously or not convey a sense of moral relativism to their children and parent in a morally relativistic way that I cannot go along with.

My approach with a lot of things has been to get the habit down first and then explore the reasons for it later. So I've explained what lying is and told them not to do it and punished them when they do. Then I tell them why it's wrong.

Yesterday when we were talking about JC with them I explained why I thought it was so bad to lie to JC. I explained that it's all about trust. The kids are entrusted with a tremendous amount of freedom and JC is the way to correct behavior that jeopardizes those freedoms. If the students cannot be trusted to be honest about their activities then the school couldn't function. This is the problem with lying in general. Trust and cooperation go hand in hand and lying jeopardizes those relationships.

They were ready for this discussion but Cady certainly isn't. Right now I'm just trying to teach Cady the difference between a lie and the truth.
oh I just had the most interesting thought!! so I was thinking how many parents worry about being "too authoritarian" so they give their kids these moral choices before the kids can handle them. Then there are those hyper commanding parents who have to be in control of every aspect of their child's behavior and brook no dissent. The problem isn't between being authoritarian or permissive, I think the problem is between being arbitrary or rational.

If parents aren't clear about their own ethical or moral reasons for living a certain way this confusion is going to be transmitted to their kids no matter how they parent. "Because I said so" and "what do you think is the answer" can both be useful or damaging depending on the follow up conversations.

Obstruction of Justice

The kids were talking about lying to JC tonight. Of course I'm such an idealist that the idea that they would try to subvert it was deeply offensive to me. Then I got a grip and remembered that they are 6. They had told me about times where other kids have lied to JC but this was the first time that they had admitted it to me. Amelia said that she has never lied but she has occasionally left out "the part that I did". Des said that he has tried lying but "they still catch me." There are rules that he breaks regularly even though he knows it's wrong. Running in the halls is one. He has having a really hard time with that one this year. It's crazy because he is usually Mr. Slowpoke. He eats slowly, walks slowly, takes twice as long as Amelia to do anything. So what is the big rush at Sudbury, I wonder?

The conversation started because they read the chapter "Veritas Serum" in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I said "Imagine if JC had truth serum." They went nuts. Des said "I bet I would be expelled." Amelia said "That would be horrible and great. At the same time." They also didn't want me to ever give them that potion because they have some huge secret that they are sure I would punish them for. My guess is they broke something and I haven't found it yet.

Another exercise in expressing your disapproval without losing their trust or turning them off from confiding in you.

Back to JC though. I've noticed that people don't take perjury or lying to authorities or lying in general that seriously. I strive to always be as honest as possible but occasionally I will slip one in and the kids will call me on it. Why is it so wrong? Why are people so inured to it?

Well, our leaders have shone themselves to be liars time and again and that filters down. Leaders set the tone. Even in a country that worships at the altar of individualism and free thinking like ours.

Why is lying wrong? Because it erodes trust. Because it can lead people into making the wrong decision if they don't get the correct facts to base it on. I'll have to finish this tomorrow. My eyes are burning with tiredness.

Nothing is ever easy.

Including today's post. am I running out of interesting stuff to say about my marvelous children?

No, we're just having a tough time with Des and we've found that right now he seems to be craving more one on one time and that is hard to do. Ray works full time plus and I've got the kids and Cady and Finn need a lot of minding. that's just how it is.

He is so happy though when it is just him and me. He asks question after question and is more relaxed and we can really talk about things and get to the level of detail that satisfies him. Especially if we're home and have more resources at our disposal. I don't know why, but my kids invariably ask me for a math lesson in the car and I can't explain that stuff without a pen and paper.
He will also get up early when Ray gets up with finn and hang out and talk to him. I know he's searching for something. The talk about activities, the way he talks about community service(loves it because he likes what he gets to do with it), the complaints of being bored at sudbury all let me know that he is struggling and I don't know how far to go in making suggestions without possibly compromising The Philosophy. I also wonder if he has time or inclination to explore these conversations at school too.
There is also the little educational devil whispering in my ear that hints at signing him up for some after school stuff. Which I don't think is a necessarily bad idea if I'm doing it for the right reasons(he'sinterested) rather than the wrong one(solving his problem for him.)

Struggles

Des was complaining about his most recent sentence for running in the halls. He has to do the Wedding March for two days and wear a sign that says don't run in the halls. While we talked about whether or not this particular sentence was "really stupid and mean" he said "How harsh a punishment would I get if I got suspended?" After 6 years with Des I have learned that the best way to answer this kind of question is with another question. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, they said that if I have any more write ups for dangerous behavior I'm going to get suspended and when I got restricted from the bus for just one day you gave me a really harsh punishment." (I disagree, I just refused to drive him to school and made it clear that if he were to be permanently restricted from the bus he would not go to that school anymore. Which looks very harsh when I read it now and does seem to violate our "let sudbury take care of sudbury" rule but it is just not fair to me Cady or Finn to have to spend an extra hour and a half in the car each day because he can't behave on the bus.) I asked him what kind of dangerous behavior he had been engaging in and he said "I don't know." I said "What do you mean you don't know?" he said "I don't remember."
Then came the flood of complaints that if there was more fun stuff and "activities" to do at school then he wouldn't be doing the dangerous behavior, which he can't remember what it is but he wouldn't do it if there was something else to do.

I guess this might be an example of a kid hitting the wall. It's hard to watch him struggle. I made some suggestions of things to try or people to talk to and he shot them down as being either too hard or too embarrassing. so what else can I do but let him work it our for himself. Which I know is the right thing but then he asks to homeschool and I know how much better he does one on one and I'm tempted to let him try it. I won't because it isn't practical for us right now and I know after a day he would want to go back to school. It's just hard. It's just hard to watch your kid struggle. and he's only 6. Yipes!

Wow

I've started and discarded many posts this past week because I was so consumed by the election. It still seems a bit unreal that Obama won. I think I just got used to evil triumphing all the time with the Bush administration.

I have so many feelings right now. I'm happy that the democrats won although I can't stand that Nancy Pelosi and am sure she's going to fuck things up for Obama. I'm happy for black people. I hope they feel more welcome in their own country now.

I want to be a citizen of the world. I don't need America to be number one all the time. I like the idea of us working with other countries instead of trying to shove our ideas down their throat. Plus, they might have some good ideas too.

I don't see how he's going to get out of Iraq in 16 months. Not without a civil war taking place. but please please close guantanamo and for heaven's sake let's make it clear-NO TORTURE!!!!! that includes waterboarding. Assholes.

Good luck with healthcare. I can't wait to see what kind of frankenstien monster you guys come up with. Please force the pharmaceutical companies to negotiate. My medicine is really really expensive. Even with generics.

Can we finally agree that our way of life is going to make life more and more difficult? I don't worry about saving the planet. The planet will swat us off like a horse swats a fly with the flick of its tail. save the humans!

Appoint the youngest, most left leaning judges you can find.

Encourage a "One Nation, One Book" month-my first pick: DIA, duh!

The guy is inheriting one big mess on top of another. I wish him a nice soft landing when the honeymoon is over and the media comes back down to earth.

A Paradox

All during the campaign, and for most of my life, I've heard a lot of talk about liberals and conservatives. I always considered myself a liberal but because of my alignment on certain issues. Pro-choice,pacifistic , green in thought if not in deed. I tended to disagree with conservatives on more things than not. But this year I tried to think a little more deeply. What did it really mean to be liberal? conservative?

Political liberalism strives for reform through laws and policies. Political conservatism prefers slow change and respect for tradition. Economic liberalism is market driven, there should be no or little government intervention. Liberalism got it's name in the first place that individual liberty is paramount. So, in this country we are really all liberals. But we are also all conservatives because our tradition is one that places high value on personal liberty. There was a bigger difference at the time of the revolution obviously. The liberals were the people who wanted self rule and the conservatives were the royalists.

In more recent history conservatives were supposed to be the people who wanted less government and as much individual freedom as a community could tolerate. Liberals were the people who stove to redress historical and economic inequites through government intervention. Now let's apply these ideas to Sudbury.
Individual freedom is paramount in a sudbury school (liberal) and the laws should be as few as possible(conservative). Rules change in response to situations and the needs of the students there at any one time but their purpose is to maintian a community where people are free to pursue their interests unmolested. The laws are not in place to improve the circumstances of any one group.

I don't know where I'm going with this. My original idea was to show that the Sudbury philosophy is more conservative in nature but seems to have been founded by a bunch of liberals but now I can't tell the difference. It's liberal in the fact that it's a radical departure from conventional forms of education but conservative in maintaining its own traditions.

The problem is differentiating between political and philosophical definitions of liberalism and conservatism. That is a job far beyond this little egghead.