Friday, February 29, 2008

More thoughts about ethics

We had some fireworks last night over Amelia writing up Des. Des felt that she should have given him a warning before writing him up and questioned whether or not her reasons for writing him up were even valid. Neither one of them could remember the details but Amelia ended up in tears and denied even writing Des up and then screamed at him for bringing it up in the first place.

It highlights their different way of looking at rules and loyalty. Amelia really believes that the rules are the rules and everyone should follow them. Des believes that personal loyalty comes first. Amelia is often berated as a tattletale by Des. She definitely takes HVSS at their word that anybody can write anybody up with out fearing reprisals. Ray has worried about her in the past, that she'll be unpopular or suffer social repercussions for writing people up. It's hard to help her find a balance between when to let people know what's going on and when to mind her own business. Des needs to learn that just because someone is your friend doesn't mean that they can't be held to the same standards as everyone else. These are things that we struggle with throughout our lives, it's hard to explain the little nuances of each situation.

Why is it important to behave ethically? well, from a practical standpoint societies run a lot more smoothly if everyone agrees on certain principles and acts accordingly. I am so grateful that I don't have to spend a lot of time worrying about being robbed or murdered. It frees up my time to do more productive things. Trust and accountability go hand in hand here. I have read about certain areas of our country where people who report malfeasance are terrorized for being "snitches" and I feel terrible for the people who have to live there. In situations like that you can't trust those around you. You can't trust them to behave ethically or to come to your defense should you come under attack. That has got to be so stressful.

I also believe that certain acts are inherently right or wrong and even when you have the best reasons for committing a wrong act it is still a wrong act. I hate when I hear people say "Well, I try not to judge. You may not know the whole story, etc. etc." Fuck that. I judge. I also forgive and I give second chances but I call it like I see it. Take the "would you shoot hitler?" conundrum. If you could go back in time and shoot Hitler before he gets going would you do it? Yes? You think it's justified? To me, you may save millions of lives and prevent WWII but guess what, you're still a murderer and it's still wrong to kill somebody. Can you live with the consequences of taking another human's life? Fine. My point is that we judge all the time and we should judge, we should take a stand. and we should forgive and offer opportunities for redemption.

Being a parent has made me realize how many of my ideas I take for granted. No, beliefs. I find that I have to examine why I'm trying to teach my kids certain things and it's embarrassing how little thought I had given to this stuff before.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Jury Duty

Ameila is serving on JC this week. Everybody, regardless of age, has to serve on the Judicial Committee. There is usually a staff member and either 2 or 3 students representing the different age groups on the committee. JC meets every day at 11:00 am and goes through all of the write ups from the previous day.

Des was getting anxious about serving, "I don't know how to read. I dont know how to give a sentence to someone. I can't do it." Amelia replied, "Des, it's so easy. You just sit there, eat your lunch and say yes to everything." The first day was tough because she was there for about two hours. I know that she is getting more comfortable because she said she recommended a sentence of a non-credit cleaning job for someone yesterday. I believe the charge was littering.

It's been a great vocabulary topic at our dinner table. We've talked about what investigate means and the difference between defend and offend. We've also talked about how a punishment should be different if someone meant to do something or if it was an accident. We talked about why judges have to recuse themselves when Des asked Amelia to promise not to give him a sentence if he got written up. It's been pretty cool.

Thinking about ethics and ethical behavior does not seem to be in vogue these days. Nor is the virtue of personal responsibility. Leaders set the tone and right now our leadership has different priorities. It is not always easy to do the right thing, especially when you make a mistake and have to own up to it but it is so important and it is so important to teach kids this and nobody seems to want to do it. That's why I called this post Jury Duty. We all hate it but i'ts so important that we all participate when we can.

The other good thing about JC is that it gives everyone a voice and problems can be resolved and everyone can move on. I'm sure there are grudges and personality conflicts and what have you but nobody can say that they weren't listened to or that they were treated unfairly.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Playroom drama!!

There was a meeting of the playroom co-op today. Amelia couldn't attend because she was serving in JC(more on that tomorrow) and I wasn't tempted to try to push her to go even though I know it is something she would enjoy...gotta stay true to The Philosophy!

When I came to pick up the kids I noticed a sign up sheet on the table written by Amelia's friend:
I,(her name), am very ANGRY about what happened in the playroom today. If you are angry too sign here.

Of course her name was first followed by Amelia and then about 8 other kids.

I also saw a sign for a playroom co-op meeting with the following agenda:
"To discuss the moving of all the toys to the basement" Ah ha!

So apparently nobody came to the meeting except for two staff members and a student and the motion to move the toys passed. I bet they all show up to the next one.

I had seen an earlier sign about the playroom co-op and thought how great it was going to be to see what the kids came up with in terms of procedures for keeping things sort of organized. But of course the reality is nobody cared until the toys were gone.

Monday, February 25, 2008

the bowling trip

The bowling trip did finally happen but there were a lot of stops and starts. They made a motion but didn't know that it had passed so they sat through the next school meeting waiting for the motion to come up and then had to make another motion because the first motion had a specific date that came and went while they figured out what was going on. One staff member helped them call the bowling alley and get the pertinent info and make up a sign up sheet. We finally went on Feb 15th. (the day after the Valentine's day potluck also organized by Amelia and her friend) I drove, along with four other parents and all together there were 24 people. Not bad. They had had more sign up but 4 kids didn't bring their permission slips. And Des and 2 of his friends, seeing that most of the computer room regulars were going on the trip, decided to stay at school and play the game that they are into right now.

Letting Des stay was a sort of mini test for me. I found myself really wanting to push him to go on this bowling trip because he had signed up. Part of me thought, well he signed up, that's a commitment and he should follow through. Then I thought, he's 5 and its a bowling trip, nobody was counting on him to be there. It is so hard to let go of an image-of how an event will turn out, how a relationship should be,etc. Fortunately the universe gives us many many opportunities to retrain our minds.

The bowling trip was great. A lot of the little kids needed some help at first, I had forgotten my stroller and had to hold Finn, but luckily another mom came along at the last minute and she was a huge help. One kid is a real wanderer, he could have cared less about the game. The older kids in my car said they liked the arcade more than the bowling. Amelia bowled every frame like it was a tie breaker. As the ball would roll down the lane she was standing there, windmilling her arms as if to will the ball into the pins. She had a great time and she and her friend who put the trip together with her were so pleased with themselves. I was proud of her. I was proud of them both.

I have to admit that I do use the bowling trip as "proof" that great things happen at HVSS when people are skeptical. I don't know, does that mean that I am less confident than I should be that kids can succeed outside of a formal academic setting, that I have to offer up some evidence of what students do there? No, what it really means is that I love to brag about my kids!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Girls

Something that I have noticed and really dig about HVSS is the way the girls get along.

The first thing I noticed was that many girls seem to be more than happy to play or hang out with girls that are younger than themselves. Two of Amelia's good friends are 7 and 8 and they pretty much play the same as she does with other 5 and 6 year olds. I also noticed that when another new student started, who is 13, she was hanging out with a couple of 11 year olds.

The reason why I like this is that in regular schools there seems to be more pressure to be around and emulate older students, even if it goes against the kid's instincts. I think you see more precocious behavior that often comes from a fear of being left behind. The nice thing about age mixing is that it lets kids gravitate to the group that they feel more comfortable with in terms of their own maturity level.

The other thing that I like about the girls is that a lot of them have their own style and it seems to be on the modest side. I cannot stand to see young girls tarted up. Amelia likes to pick out her own stuff now and we have a lot of discussions about what is age appropriate and why I won't let her buy certain things. Fortunately she is more of a jeans and top kind of kid but I do draw the line at things that seem to mimic adult fashions too closely. We had an argument in a store about a shirt that she liked and I finally said because it looked like one of mine and there was really no good reason for a 37 year old and a 5 year old to be wearing the same stuff. Oops I'm veering off topic here.

Anyway, I'm not privy to the day to day interactions so I don't know if there is the kind of cattiness or mean girl dynamic that I often experienced and, let's be honest, took part in when I was in school. I wonder how boyfriend/girlfriend stuff plays out there? It's such a small school and the feelings are so intense at that age. Break-ups must suck big time. It's tough to avoid someone in such a small environment.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

a checklist

I asked myself a bunch of questions about the sudbury model and now I feel much better. Here it is.

School Meeting:
Are the students capable of running the day to day business of the school, including developing and voting on policies as well as electing staff?
Yes

Judicial Committee:
Are the students capable of enforcing the rules of the school? Can they hold themselves and their peers accountable for their actions?
Yes

Do I trust the students to be completely in charge of their time each and every day?
Yes

Do I believe that there is a core body of knowledge that every person must learn in order to be a successful adult?
No

Can I accept that my children will make choices that I do not agree with?
Yes

Do I feel that parents are an impediment to their children's development?
No

I'm pretty much on board with everything they do except the discouragement of parents being involved in their children's lives. Although after the debate at HVSS this week I understand how some parents understand "involvement" to mean "teach" and hence the distrust. At the same time it is very hard to hear "Trust the process. Trust the children. Even though we don't trust you not to come in and mess it all up." At any rate, I am once again at peace with my decision to send my kids to a sudbury school so now i can get back to charming anecdotes and further explorations of those aspects of the philosophy palatable to me. :)

still struggling

This whole discussion about keeping parents out of school has got me in such a lather that at one point I started questioning the wisdom of sending des and amelia there.

It doesn't help that I'm applying to be a substitute staff member of sorts(the official title would be backup playday director) so I've read a couple more of the books about the philosophy and let me tell you, the whole attitude about parents and their children's development was so off putting. As well as another essay about how sudbuy champions the individual above all else. I thought I would throw the book in the garbage if I came across the term rugged individualism one more time.

The community can not survive without the contributions of its individual members but the individuals cannot survive without the community. OK maybe the individual can survive on their own but it's a lot of work.

I just cannot agree that keeping kids in a separate pocket with a cherry picked group of adults is what's best. I say extend the age mixing further and let everyone in. Fuck it. Let 80 year olds enroll if they want.

I should probably cite the articles that I've been reading and explain their position better but I'm too tired.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

parents: friend or foe

No internet service for a week my friends but that doesn't mean I haven't been busy.

Right now there is some discussion about what role parents play in the Sudbury community. Usually the standard answer is come to potlucks and other outside events, serve on finance or fundraising community but as far as being in school: 15 minutes at drop off and 15 minutes at pick up and that's it. I guess when the school first started there were some parents who were just there all the time and really tried to take over the school. I don't really know all the details but my guess is that they had a competing vision that didn't really gibe with the philosophy. They wanted to offer classes and stuff like that and I guess there was such a battle that they actually closed the school and then reopened at its current site.

The core philosophy of the Sudbury Valley School does strike me as being anti-parent at times. I find most schools to be anti parent in one way or another- give us your money and your kids and leave us alone! It's like they see parents as getting in the way of their mission to educate. The Sudbury spin seems to be that because children are naturally dependent on their parents its impossible for them to become independent in the presence of a parent. And since the ultimate goal is independence having a parent at school is impossible.(I'm really simplifying here)

I disagree and here is why. I'm a Buddhist and one of the things that I believe is that we are all interdependent and we should never lose sight of that fact. Also, we are only parents to our own children so I don't think that should exclude us from being able to interact with other kids. I also think it sends a message of distrust of adults in general when you act like kids have to be protected from parents. I mean, true there are definitely some wack jobs out there and a parent who doesn't really believe in what Sudbury is doing could probably cause some mischief but there has got to be a middle ground. More on this in the coming days.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

How's this for a sales pitch?

Last night a attended an information session because I finally convinced my sister to come check out HVSS with her kids. At one point there must have been talk about video games or computers(I missed a lot because I was looking after my 3 y/o nephew) and I heard a student say "Well, I'll tell you that I don't just spend all day in the computer room. I don't really know what I do all day but it isn't on a computer." He then went on to say "For instance, today I spent most of my day throwing rocks into this gigantic puddle."

If there was someone attending who was on the fence they would probably use this as Exhibit A against Sudbury, just like someone could read my previous posts about screen time and use them against the school. Whatever objections I may have against specific activities I still very much agree with the core philosophy of the school: That kids should be given the freedom to learn what they think is necessary to be a productive member of society.

My neice asked me, "But is it possible that they can give me so much freedom that I become a total loser?" (She may have been using the term loser in place of the idea of being ignorant but I chose to interpret it as miscreant) My answer was that the freedom at Sudbury was the freedom to learn and pursue your interests, not the freedom to beat people up or destroy property. I said, "Take a look around. Do you see all these signs? there are rules everywhere." That teaches the kids that for communities to be successful they need to agree on some standards of behavior or nothing works. JC lets them explore the real and practical reasons for behaving ethically. School Meeting is about learning to present your ideas, learning to listen to others, learning to debate the merits of a propasal and the intricacies of Robert's Rules of Order. :) All of it is about empowering the kids. Instead of saying "Do it!" Sudbury says "You can do it!" and there is a difference.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Distractions

More about video games, well, distractions in general.

I went to pick the kids up last week and Amelia was with a bunch of kids sitting around watching The Simpsons and Des was in the computer room playing a video game that involved shooting people.

I don't mind the kids doing things other than sitting at a desk and working in a workbook but I do question the quality of the distractions. When Sudbury Valley was founded the influence of electronic media was much less profound. I have a serious problem with screen time HVSS. I know in a previous post I sort of hinted at this but it has been bothering me more and more.

I waver between thinking that its ok because let them get their loafing out of their system and thinking no, this is the start of some bad habits. It is so much easier now to do nothing in our society. To just sit back and be entertained. Adults are reading fewer books, people have fewer hobbies and I think a lot of it is due to the seductiveness of television and movies. I'm guilty of this too so I don't know what the answer is but I think we should limit our kids' access to this stuff I really do. And I know that it is in direct conflict with the philosophy but I just think that this is an area where the adults in charge are making a mistake. Right now I am still willing to accept the trade off for the other benefits but I wish there was a way to fix this.

Friday, February 1, 2008

off topic-blogging

You know what? Having a blog is a pain in the ass. First of all, I have a very hard time coming up with titles for the posts. I'm just not that...pithy.

Secondly-I don't have a lot of time on the computer so I feel like every post is a rough draft.
Very rough. I also worry about becoming too repetitive since i only post once a week or so I forget what I wrote. I don't actually read the thing. I think I may have commented on this before.

Thirdly-I just discovered that some of you have been leaving comments. I never noticed the numbers down by the word "comments" when I do review what I've written. thanks!

I don't know how the gossip sites or ones with pictures keep up.