Talk Talk

Remember that band? and song? And maybe even album? I would see the video on MTV and that little scrap of info that they gave at the end, in the lower left hand corner, would say nothing but Talk Talk. It was the video with all the animals. This will probably only make sense to people born in the 70's or earlier. I should just end here and count my gray hairs.

Anyhoo, I was thinking of them because we had a great philosophy discussion on saturday and did lots of talk talking.

As I had said in earlier posts I had been having my doubts and Ray, who has never fully been on board with this, was expressing his more vocally. I had conversations with a staff member and other parents and was definitely feeling anxious about the school year. Since the year started there is a different vibe around the school. Hashing things out at the philosophy discussion was starting to seem anticlimactic. I know I've gone before and wanted to talk about something but the staff is so eloquent that I feel silly for ever having worried in the first place so I don't say anything.

That started to happen but then I said to myself no, even if I'm not feeling this way right now I'm going to express the fears that I've had because I know that I'll just go home and the warm fuzzies will fade away and I'll start worrying again. Well, I don't worry that much, but I know I won't feel like I've had my concerns addressed because I never expressed them.

Actually, what I really did was pretend that I was Ray and said what I thought he would be thinking about all of it. He, of course, did not attend, which is probably for the better because there is a good chance he would just give up on the whole thing and want to pull them out. It's much better to have me as a filter.

I felt like the staff was listening to what people had to say, that they were countering respectfully, that they still felt committed to the core aspects of the Sudbury philosophy but acknowledged that the school could use some "tweaks". What it comes down to for them, and hopefully someday for me, is that we can trust the kids to figure it out. That if they have the confidence in themselves they can get themselves to where they need to be. Academically or otherwise. I got there late but I think there was some talk at the beginning about remembering that the goal is to produce an effective adult. If I had been there for that I probably would have phrased some of my comments differently. There was some talk about respecting the changing priorities and not being able to know what any one person's priorities would be from one day to the next and therefore not judging. There was also discussion about having the confidence to say "I don't know" and being ok with that. One of the students was there and he talked about his experience with the process and he was quite eloquent on the topic even if I didn't agree with him. There was another guy there and the two of us did not communicate well but I'll get to him later.

I listened and thought about what people were saying before I spoke. Sometimes I am guilty of looking like I'm listening but I'm really just rehearsing my comments. But this time I was actually listening.

I said that I was afraid of raising confident ignoramuses who were perfectly happy with not knowing anything and with no interest in finding anything out. I said that it was probably good that my kids had the space at Sudbury to freely change their priorities because I had no problem judging them and telling them when I thought they were headed in the wrong direction. I said I would have a huge problem if my kid's priority was to live on the street and do nothing with their life. I recognize the absurdity of my statements but I had to let them out. what else did I say? Oh yeah, that I felt concerned about what kind of place the school would be if everybody was in the doldrums. That I don't think that the Sudbury philosophy fosters a work ethic. That you need to be able to push through when the passion isn't there.

I especially disagreed with the whole "it's ok if you give yourself permission to not finish something, changing priorities argument" because I think finishing what you start is a really important quality. I made it my New Year's Resolution a few years ago. I decided to become a person who would finish what they started. And the first thing I learned to do was not start so much in the first place. But I digress.

What I lost sight of during much of this but remembered afterwards is that this process is not happening in a vacuum. There is still JC and school meeting and my kids are not just zooming around the school by themselves. This discussion was focused on academics, sort of, but I had to remember to look at it all in the context of the school as a whole.

More tomorrow.

Beverly Cleary solves all problems

Amelia has not been happy with her siblings lately. Des is "ANNOYING" and Cady "does nothing but BE MEAN to me" and Finn "RUINS all my stuff". She's been feeling quite put upon and I can sympathize. I'm the oldest and I know how it feels to have pesky siblings who trash every thing and activity that you have going on in your life. She has been especially hard on Cady. She yells at her, teases her, punishes her if Des shows favoritism. I often intervene. I know some parents don't and maybe it works well for their families but just because there is no violence involved doesn't mean that the behavior isn't damaging.

Then one day Cady turned up at bedtime with Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary. I've never read chapter books with Cady and we started off cautiously. If there is one criticism I have of Mrs. Cleary it's that her chapters are insanely long. So we started off reading a few pages a night. When we were midway through chapter two Amelia asked if she could listen. It was great. We would laugh and shake our heads at how naughty, yet creative, Ramona could be. Amelia would absolutely howl with laughter at times. There were some passages that explored Beezus' feelings about Ramona. How hard it was to have a little sister and how even when Ramona didn't get her way, she still seemed to get her way. I saw Amelia nod in agreement at one point. The last chapter involves the girls' mother and aunt recounting how they didn't get along when they were younger but were now great friends as grownups. We finished the book and talked about our favorite parts and how good we thought it was and then Amelia said "Come on Cady, let's go to bed and you can sleep with me tonight." We looked in on them and they were cuddled together.

Ray is not happy

and I've finally figured out why. He doesn't get the Sudbury timeline. I think he thought they would be achieving the same things that kids in public school do but just arriving at it through a different route. Since second graders know how to read Ray wants to know why Des and Amelia aren't reading. He's concerned that we're raising happy idiots. People with great self esteem and no useful skills.

We're mulling over the idea of sending Cady and Finn to regular skill for kindergarten and maybe first or second grade. It would make him feel better knowing that they are at Sudbury with some skills. I don't want to deal with public school bullshit. Dumb assignments and stuff like that. PTA. Because there is no way that I could send my kids to public school and not get involved with the PTA. And promptly become a thorn in everyone's side.

Am I ok with the Sudbury timeline? I think so. For me it's not just about developing discrete skills. I know I need to step it up and be more involved in what's important to them. It's engagement with the process that concerns me. You don't feel like reading? fine. But I want to see them feel something. Which I do. I definitely do. I can't do these late night blog posts. I just go around in circles.

My job is so great

And here's why:

These are all the things I talked about and contemplated today-
world religions
medieval literature
copyright law
Catch 22
Byron
Robert Browning
The Velveteen Rabbit
Mark Twain
Philip K. Dick
magic/magick
lovely fall weather
Isabel Allende
Meryl Streep
food writing
dictionaries and the art of translation
Jack London
Edith Wharton

Not a bad gig.

How was your day dear?

Amelia handed me a piece of paper with a list of words with checks next to them and "100%" at the top. On the back she had written a short description of her day. She and her friends have been doing "real learning stuff".

Des spent $8 on soda and then smashed 5 of the cans with his friends to see what would happen.

The day before we had a big blowout here because Amelia had signed up for yet another webkinz type game and when I started to say something she yelled "Des watched the Matrix again!" (Amelia has always been a total tattle tale. I love it!) I don't know why I blew up at that moment. Well I know why, because I had been paying bills at work. Money is really tight since I bought the store and bill paying time always brings that home to me. So I after spending an hour writing check after check, the thought of spending thousands of dollars for them to sit in front of a screen just made me a little nutty.

More drama!

Oh it never ends with me. This is Sudbury drama now.

The school is facing a serious shortfall. Unbelievable amount. Some kids they expected to come back didn't, sliding scale figures were lower than expected (ours definitely were) and they used money from this year to pay for stuff last year. They are also owed about 40,000 in uncollected tuition. Jeepers, that's a lot of money. It's a problem and I don't know how it's going to work out.

There has a been a good discussion on the Assembly list. It started with a heartfelt invitation from one of the staff to encourage people to come to the next philosophy discussion. He talked about the purpose of the school being to help kids become effective. I asked what people thought effective meant. It's a pretty abstract goal and I knew there would be different thoughts about it. I'm not sure what an effective adult is. My idea was much more concrete. Someone who can support themselves. There was a lot of discussion about the philosophy in theory but I felt that it should have been more about the philosophy in practice.

I ruffled some feathers with the phrase "underlying hostility towards formal education". The staff members thought I meant them but really I meant the culture of the school. I can't wait til the real life philosophy discussion. Egghead loves to tussle!

Drama!

Short story:
Amelia fell at the playground and had to go by helicopter to a pediatric trauma unit!

Long story:
Amelia was trying to copy something she had seen an older (and taller) kid do and whacked her head but good on a metal bar. She had a nasty looking bump behind her ear so we called 911. We asked if she had lost consciousness and all the kids said no.

The initial responders (police and local volunteers) did an initial assessment and called for the pros. The paramedics came, and in talking to one of the older kids decided that she may have had 'altered consciousness' and therefore needed to be seen at a pediatric trauma unit. Which we don't have in Ulster County. So they called the medevac in. A freaking helicopter landed on the front lawn of the elementary school and off we went to Albany. Part of me thought it was over the top but the other part of me couldn't help but think "Natasha Richardson" so we went along with this.

When Amelia broke her arm, the first time, Ray went in the ambulance with her while I got the other kids settled. I got to the hospital and she asked why I didn't come. I said "honey you were ok with Daddy" and she said "But you're...my mother!" So I know if I don't get on the freaking helicopter I will officially be World's Worst Mom. I have been on airplanes many many times. Small planes too. But since I had the kids I have developed a mild fear of flying. It doesn't stop me but I worry more than I ever did.

I had to sit in the very front and it's floor to ceiling glass. It made me feel very vulnerable. Like it was easier to fall out somehow. The helicopter took off and I pretty much stopped worrying about Amelia and started worrying that we were all going to die. You know what flying in a helicopter feels like? Rickety. Like you're riding in a rickety piece of crap that is going to fall apart at any minute. It doesn't help that my brain is now retrieving all bits of knowledge about helicopters that it has acquired over the years. The one that it keeps repeating is "In essence, a helicopter is constantly falling." NOT reassuring, brain!

There were a few moments where I wasn't worried about dying and here is what I thought:
1.That the view was spectacular and I feel lucky to live in one of the most beautiful places in the world.
2.That when you look down and see all the teeny tiny cars and monopoly houses and thimble size swimming pools from an airplane you laugh and think "My how small everything looks." But when you are in a tiny glass fronted space high in the sky it also gives you the perspective of how very small we are. We are miniscule. We are atoms in the universe.
3.I found myself reflecting on the nature of faith. In between mentally going for refuge by reciting the same buddhist prayer over and over again, I thought where am I really placing my faith? In the laws of karma, hoping that I have enough merit stored up at that moment so i don't die in a helicopter crash but trying to maintain equanimity so that if I do I will generate a good burst of energy a I go hurtling into my next life? In god? Because I definitely threw a few prayers that way, just to be safe. Or in the secular god, science? I had to have some faith in the capabilities of human engineering, and the diligence of maintenance crews to get in the thing in the first place. Right?

After a very long half hour, we finally landed at Albany med- on the goddam roof no less, one final spectacular burst of anxiety for me. The triage nurse sees us and then we more or less sat around for two hours and a CT scan of her head to find out that she was just fine. I am very, very grateful for that at least. :)

Coda to all this: It takes an hur to get to Albany from where we were. It took the helicopter 12 minutes to get to us, 6 or 7 minutes for us to get on and take off, the trip was 30 minutes. So all of that rigamarole to save 15 minutes tops in a non critical situation.

An interesting link

This is from a friend. Not the friend whose son actually attended this school but somebody else. It's a small sudbury world.

http://www.mountainlaurelsudbury.org/classes.asp

(I wish I knew how to do that thing where people just click on a word. It's so much more attractive.)

I'm goign to try and explain learning this way to Des because he has a tremendous amount of hostility to anything as soon as you say the word class. Maybe I went too far with my brainwashing against traditional schooling. I think some of it has also come from school itself. Amelia wants some kind of gathering but she doesn't want to do it herself and says that people at school aren't into it. She only knows of two kids who have even tried it and both times it didn't work out that well. For someone reason she wants someone to co-sponsor the motion with her because she is afraid of how much work it will be to set up. Plus she doesn't know exactly what topic it is she's interested in.

My friend and I thought the last paragraph was interesting. I had gotten the sense that any topic offered was supposed to be generated by the students. But here is a founder, not just any old founder, but the big guy himself, Dan Greenberg, saying that sometimes he just tries to whip up interest in something. I am so ok with this because I know Sudbury and attendance is not mandatory and I like the idea of putting it out there. I wonder how this came about. Maybe they had times where their school was in a lull and this was an acceptable compromise to spark things up a bit. Or maybe I am confused about the philosophy itself. I'll have to do a little more digging and return to this another time.

I know that anytime something like this is suggested in our school the stock response seems to be that if you offer something then you give it more weight and importance and automatically exclude other things. Or that the mere offer puts pressure on students to participate. I think that's crap. I think that if you are really cultivating freedom and openess then these kids will feel secure enough to opt in or opt out. Right now, and I could be totally totally wrong here, I feel like there is a reverse pressure against participation. I get the sense that organized activity is deemed unsuitable somehow.

Great Expectations

Oh, hello again.

I haven't posted this summer for the usual reasons (bookstore, exhaustion, not a lot to say) and a not so usual reason. I had some negative feelings about the school and didn't want to air them publicly because they might have given my millions of readers the wrong idea.

But the school year is beginning and I'm trying to approach it with both an open mind and a watchful eye. I was preoccupied last year and complacent. Over the summer I gave some serious consideration to taking the kids out. What stopped me was the reality that home schooling is not an option right now and traditional schooling is not looking more attractive just because Sudbury is looking less attractive.

I also had to think- why was I unhappy? I realized that I still support the main tenets of the philosophy that I have always supported and continue to question the things that I have always questioned. My problem was that this particular school felt dysfunctional. I don't know if it was a combination of staffing issues, student mix, slavish adherence to dogma or what but it didn't feel right. Now I see that I wasn't alone because a bunch of kids have left. Some graduated, some because of money and more than I would have expected because they either don't support the philosophy or don't think it's working in this school. So I hope there's going to be some soul searching this year.

I also realized that I had become too passive as a parent. Even when I saw stuff I didn't like, I didn't discuss it with Des and Amelia as much as I ought. I also had to get straight in my head about what I wanted from them. Two friends of Amelia's are talking about going to more traditional schools next year and they need to get themselves caught up this year. So now Amelia is talking about "learning" but she isn't sure how she is going to do it. I had told them both that we expected them to accomplish three things this year. It couldn't involve a screen and it had to be something that they made a motion to school meeting to accomplish. I laid it out for them "Mommy and Daddy are paying thousands of dollars for you to go to this school and we can't afford to pay this money for you to be on a computer all day. We need to see you doing something more."

As Amelia and I were discussing learning she said 'the reason I like Sudbury and not regular school is that I want to learn things that I want to when I want to. I don't want to do math this year." That's when things clarified for me and I was to able to clarify it for them both. I said "honey, I'm not worried about you learning specific things. I'm not looking to test you. Daddy and I are giving you a tremendous opportunity and freedom to choose what you learn. What we want to see is you going through the process. I want to see you set goals and work towards them." She started getting frustrated and said "Well I'm not sure what I want. I want to read but I don't want to do that at school. I want you to teach me. I want to have a sleepover on a battleship." I said "I'm happy that we're having this conversation now. I want to see you thinking more about how you'll spend your time there. Not just showing up and seeing what happens." Even though I expect, and think it's totally appropriate for lots of that to happen. What I realized tonight is that I want to see them engaging more actively in the Sudbury process. It's not an all or nothing proposition. They are still 7. But I do think after two years of running amok it's OK to ask them to be more thoughtful in their pursuits.

We'll see.