Parental Pressure

Our school is going to become a registered high school. What this means is that students can sit for some stupid new york state test and get a high school diploma. There was a discussion about this on our google group and one person mentioned that a potential downside was that parental pressure would be exerted upon a student to take the test.

My initial reaction was a defensive one. Why? Well I thought this person was making an argument against doing it because of possible parental pressure. It doesn't make sense to me to not do something because of a purely hypothetical reaction. And a hypothetical reaction that takes place out of school at that. I don't think it is staff or school meetings business to worry about how people parent their children. It does happen naturally of course. I mean you get to know people and you can guess how they will react to certain situations but ultimately, unless it's a case of abuse, it really is out of their control. I feel the debate about what is and isn't offered at school should focus solely on the opportunities it presents to the students and the school. As parents we know that we give up a great deal of control over our kids when we send them to this school but the school should, and I think is, be respectful of the fact that it's official influence ends when the kids go home. To make a decision in an attempt to influence or subvert a parents wish for their child does not sit well with me. Not that that's what was going on here.

I heard another argument against offering things at school that weren't generated by the students as wrong because 'kids might feel bad if they don't sign up". I hope that I misunderstood this because these sorts of worries lead to decisions based on fear. And they are fears about things that cannot ever be controlled- a person's emotional reaction to something.

But back to parental pressure. Is it a bad thing? No, not at all. And it is often very subtle or even unconscious. I don't think it's wrong to give your opinion about something or tell your kid what you think they should do. It's definitely a fine line. To convince but not coerce. (I love alliterative phrases!) I think it's unrealistic to expect parents to instruct and socialize their children but have some sort of off switch when it comes to what they learn or what path they follow.

Comparisons and competition

I went to an information session to give the parent's perspective for some folks interested in the school. I almost immediately got into a contentious discussion with a woman who clearly was not buying what we were selling. Somebody else asked me what differences I saw between my kids and kids in more traditional schools. The first thing that came to mind was that my kids were more relaxed. They don't worry about school. More importantly, they don't worry about failure and they don't worry about how they measure up. They aren't afraid to try things because they aren't afraid of failing.

There are a lot of kids out there who get good grades, not because their work is so exceptional but because they know how to get good grades. Ultimately, if your goal is a good grade, not the acquisition of a skill or knowledge, and you have a winning formula where is the impetus to try something new, to go beyond what's asked of you. Failure is not the worst thing in the world, it's not without consequences but it's not irredeemable. I think that the grading system blows the importance of the end results out of proportion and it takes it's toll on kids year after year.

I think that age mixing actually reduces some anxiety also. When you have 20 six year olds to compare yourself to every day, it's easy to start developing skewed ideas of what normal is and how you fit into that. When you are hanging out with kids of all different ages, differences can be ascribed to age rather than some inherent rightness or wrongness about yourself. It's a gentler rating system.

I've noticed that many of the Sudbury kids are generous with their praise of one another. Again, without these constant comparisons and measurements, there is a lot of room for generosity and encouragement. I'm not saying there isn't competition but it's an aspect of what goes on at school not the main, I'm at a loss for words here, factor.

Dither, Deliberate, Dither , Deliberate

What's the difference between dithering and deliberating? How well you like the person engaged in it!

I've probably said this before but a huge drawback of democracies is that everybody gets their say and it can be hard to get things accomplished. When you have to discuss and vote on every little thing you can get bogged down in the details.

The plus to this is that with a good deal of discussion some very creative solutions present themselves. At my pre-kid job we had this meeting every morning that was a monster. It was supposed to be about the patient rounds but it would go on for hours. Now I see that it's because the person running the meeting wanted to solve every problem indicated by the reports right then. That's impossible!

Sometimes democracy feels like an endless series of meetings. We're about to have our annual assembly meeting. This is an important part of a Sudbury school. For one, the budget gets voted on line by line and you know people get nutty when it's time to talk about money. I think, this will only be my second so I'm not sure, that it's also a way to look at the direction the school is taking and gives parents a voice.

I thought more aobut the fact that one of the founders is not running for re-election. It did worry me but then I thought, I'm sending my kids to a school not a cult and if the school can't survive the departure of one person then there's a big problem with the school.

As usual I'm very very tired. And tired of being tired. but not tired of talking about how tired I am.

I have never been so happy to see my kids

go back to school.

I feel horribly guilty about it but Des and Amelia fight all the time. They pick on Cady and snipe at me. And complain that being home sucks.

All Cady, All Finn, all the time is a bit much.

I need some space, people!

Still thinking

What do I want from my kids school? If you send your kids to a sudbury school the real question is "what kind of people to I want my kids to be?" because the point of the school is to produce a successful adult. but how do you define that? can it be quantified? so here's my list in progress of things that I think are important:

A high standard of ethical behavior. They simply must be able to identify right from wrong and be willing to do what they think is right even if it isn't convenient or popular or doesn't benefit them financially.

I want them to have the tools of logic at their disposal because there is a lot of bullshit out there and they need to be able to evaluate arguments rationally.

They should know how to recognize and avoid trouble. This is especially important for my girls. They need to be able to notice a creep. They need to be vigilant about their safety.

I hope I can instill a strong work ethic in them. Sometimes you get lucky but most things come about from perseverance and hard work. Being smart helps but it isn't enough.

I want them to be in the habit of looking beyond their life, or their circle and actively seek out ways to be helpful.

Manners are important. Empathy is important. Honesty is important.

I'll think of more stuff I'm sure. :)